Up the creek in 2008

Dec 30 2007 by Ken Oxley, Sunday Sun

IN time-honoured fashion, here’s Old Mother Ross’s predictions for 2008. Or at least the first six month’s worth . . . Happy New Year!

JANUARY: The credit crunch worsens. Banks which last year were handing out wads of tenners to all and sundry now charge thousands of pounds just to consider a loan.

Terms are strictly “wipe your feet, cash up front, no dodgy cheques or flexies, know what I mean? Leave it out, squire”. A new Governor of the Bank of England is appointed . . . Mr Arthur Daley, a former used car entrepreneur.

FEBRUARY: Princes William and Harry are to spearhead a campaign to persuade teenage binge drinkers to moderate their habits. The campaign launches with the words “Don’t do as one does, do as one says.”

MARCH: Gordon Brown announces an initiative to recapture the contented feeling that we had as kids in the 1960s and early 70s. Wagon Wheels are to be doubled in size.

For the Tories, David Cameron counters by proposing that policemen should look older and taller, and Lib Dem leader AN Other suggests a return of the little blue salt bag in crisps.

APRIL: After zany locals erect a sign on the outskirts of the town, Hartlepool Council announce the renaming of Seaton Carew as Seaton Canoe, and a twinning arrangement with Panama City.

Tourism chiefs employ image consultants, who announce publicity centred around a slogan involving the words Up, Creek and Paddle.

MAY: Following taxpayer-funded Government adverts pointing out that people with qualifications earn more than people without them — and that it might be a good idea in this day and age to become computer literate — a spokesperson denies it’s a waste of money.

“Well-targeted advertising is a vital part of social policy,” he added, as he announced Shake a Leg, Slackers . . . a multimillion pound campaign to encourage people who work to get up in time and not ring in with a sickie.

JUNE: England’s Italian football manager, Fabio Capello, counters criticism of his lack of English language skills by revealing that he has had intensive coaching from the previous coach, Steve McClaren. Capello can now say “Magnificent” with at least two inflections, and has rung up Steve Gibson to tell him that “the grass is green.”

More next week!