I’m a very unhappy shopper

Dec 16 2007 by Alan Ross, Magic 1170

THIS week, more examples of why shopping 2007-style is such fun . . . and a couple of occasions when being a time traveller like Dr Who would have been useful.

Like many people, I buy gift vouchers for friends at this time of year. These have morphed from old bits of paper into plastic cards, which you charge with money at the till.

All very easy. It said £15 in bright lettering. “Just what I want,” I thought, picking up two and marching to the checkout.

“How much do you want on these?” enquired the helpful girl.

“£15 each,” I said, “It says so on the card, that’s why I bought them.” The girl looked puzzled, saying that they had to ask because some people wanted to put less on.

I’m tempted to wonder why they put £15 on at all then but, moving on swiftly since life is too short, you’ll find your Christmas shopping much easier if you have a time machine with you.

At another store I wanted to buy slippers. This year they only seemed to have mules . . . slippers with the cosy back bit that fits your heel missing.

“Do you have slippers?” I asked the two shop assistants. “We’ve had them for the last four years,” one said. “They were in the sale.”

I waited patiently to find out if this pleasant state of affairs was just a distant memory. It was . . . “No, we’re not doing them this year.”

Then the other shop assistant, in a spirit of helpfulness, said “We thought we’d have a bit of variety.”

I kept calm, despite a tremendous urge to spontaneously combust all over the shop.

Variety in retail-speak now means having less choice than you did before. Great.

This story reminded a colleague of mine of an evening in a local pub where they were only serving beef rolls and his partner — a vegetarian — wondered whether other fare was available. “Do you do any other rolls?” she asked.

The man stopped to think. “Yes,” he said. “We did some ham rolls last night.”