What’s the proof of your pudding?

Dec 23 2007 by Alan Ross, Sunday Sun

FIRST things first . . . Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, compliments of the season, Cool Yule, have a wonderful Winterval, Solstice, or pagan festival of whatever hue you happen to recognise.

That should keep the PC mob happy enough.

Talking of which . . . PC Plod recently took a break from the onerous duties of giving out crime numbers over the phone — so we can claim on our insurance when the presents under the tree get swiped — sending out letters for counselling from Victim Support, and serving cooked breakfasts to bikers to aid road safety.

All of these vital activities — including totting up the takings from speed cameras — were put on hold in order to ask us to be careful while eating Christmas pudding.

Oh, and Christmas cake too.

Watch out . . . your mince pie could land you in the nick!

The constabulary are very concerned that we are putting too much alcohol in our festive fare. It seems that, after your Aunt Jemima’s been at it with the brandy bottle, she’s made a portion of Christmas pud into the equivalent of a pint of bitter.

Assuming she’s done the same to the mince pies and the cake, you won’t be able to hear the Queen’s speech this year over the sound of arguments, breaking furniture, breaking wind, throwing up and snoring.

My Aunt Win, bless her, used to make a Christmas cake in August and would regularly pour most of a bottle of Scotch into it.

Her Christmas pudding was so alcoholic that I was amazed the bungalow didn’t catch fire when she lit the brandy.

Her sloe gin was 5000 per cent proof . . . at least that’s what Uncle Sarge said after he’d had a glass.

I’d have bought tickets to see PC Plod dare to try and arrest her.

Have a great time but, seriously, don’t drink and drive . . . or even eat and drive!