What 2009 will really bring

Dec 28 2008 by Sunday Sun

THEY say that the one thing we learn from history is that we never learn anything from history. So, with that in mind, here are “Old Mother Ross’s predictions” for 2009 . . .

V JANUARY: The pound can now be swapped for a complete set of 1986 Panini football stickers. The wording on the £5 and £10 notes is changed to “I promise to owe the bearer on demand”.

V FEBRUARY: Following the ratings success of John Sergeant, the political correspondent who can’t dance in Strictly Come Dancing, the BBC announces a new series of shows. Princess Anne stars in a documentary where she becomes an anger management consultant, and Gordon Ramsey is to feature as a marriage guidance counsellor.

V MARCH: President Obama finally decides on which kind of puppy will be appropriate for his daughters. Bill Clinton issues a statement denying rumours that he had been consulted about the choice, despite his extensive presidential experience of being hounded by interns.

V APRIL: The pound continues to plummet. Britain experiences a huge influx of foreign tourists waving drachmas, dollars, roubles and Blue Peter badges, all of which are enthusiastically accepted by stores with closing down sales. Chancellor Alistair Darling is quoted as saying that “Britain may be in a slight recession, but it is nothing to worry your little heads about. At least that’s what Gordon told me to say.”

V MAY: The Eurovision Song Contest goes ahead without Terry Wogan’s sarcastic commentary. He’s been replaced by Graham Norton, who takes it much more seriously. Since it is Estonia’s turn to win, they decide to dispense with the process of actually entering a song and submit a three-minute piece of performance mime, and find themselves entered into the Turner Prize for Modern Art.

V JUNE: One of the Chancellor’s black eyebrows has gone white overnight after discovering the pound is worth 1000 nectar points.

More next week . . . Happy New Year!